A lot of people who don’t know me well don’t know that making eye contact was a learned skill for me. Eye contact can be a difficult skill for people with autism due to the amount of sensory input it takes to carry it out. The autistic brain does not filter out excess stimuli well, such as background noise, lighting or how crowded a certain setting is. To help with this, individuals with autism may look away from the speaker during conversation to help with processing and to combat the sensory overload that comes from having to look a person in the eye, process what they are saying, and then formulate a response. The person can still hear what is being said and understand everything that is said as they normally would, even if they are not making eye contact. In fact, they may understand better and be able to pay more attention by not making direct eye contact because the sensory system is not as overwhelmed.
For me, learning to make eye contact has been a very gradual process. I did not begin to show any real progress with this skill until approximately age 23 when I received individualized social skills instruction for young adults with autism at a post-secondary independent living skills program. The therapist taught me to choose a spot on the person’s face or in their general direction, so that it appears as if I am looking at them when I’m actually not. At first, I could only do this for a few seconds in the office with the therapist.
Today, I can make eye contact for conversations with people I know well. People I have just met or am unfamiliar with are less likely to get reliable eye contact. It’s critical for me to get to know the person well and to trust them before I can make reliable eye contact with them. The more I know them and feel comfortable around them, the higher the chances of them getting at least some eye contact. The length of a conversation can make a difference, too. It is much harder to stay focused for longer periods and continually process the conversation. It takes a lot of effort and focus, especially if an environment is busy or loud; I feel like I have to work twice as hard because there is so much going on.
I don’t think parents should insist on eye contact in individuals with autism. I think it can be encouraged, modeled, and certainly addressed as part of a speech language therapy or applied behavior therapy plan if this is a skill that the individual and family agrees warrants addressing. However, parents should understand that eye contact for individuals with autism is a very difficult skill regardless of their level of impairment and support needs. If eye contact does occur, take notice of it. For older children or young adults, it may be better to do so away from peers so as not to single them out, but acknowledgement always helps as well, especially when they are first beginning to learn.
Nassim, A. (2023). The Hidden Work of Having a Conversation. https://www.iidc.indiana.edu/irca/articles/the-hidden-work-of-having-a-conversation.html