For February’s article, I wanted to focus on the topic of relationships and autism. Many teens and adults with autism are interested in romantic relationships, just like other young people. When I was in my teens, romantic relationships were too abstract and advanced for me to understand. I didn’t understand how to make friends well, either, but I very much wanted them.
As a result, I preoccupied myself with things I did understand and was good at: reading, academics, and research. It wasn’t until midway through college (roughly age 23) that I began to develop the skills to form reciprocal peer relationships through individual and group social skills therapy sessions led by a licensed clinical social worker with experience in serving young adults with autism. At least some understanding of romantic relationships came later. Making sense of romantic relationships can be difficult for young people to begin with, but for those with autism they can be particularly challenging due to their abstract nature. Individuals with autism tend to think and process the world in very concrete and literal terms, so the abstract nature of relationships can often be difficult. In addition to having to make sense of all the feelings and emotions that go along with them and to express these feelings in an appropriate manner.
There have been several strategies that have helped me in growing my understanding of social skills and romantic relationships. Here are some of them:
1. Having a Typically Developing Sibling and Watching the Way She Behaved in Specific Situations
My younger sister Janelle was my first window into typical peer behavior as a child. I would observe the things she said, how she carried herself, the way she acted around her friends and professionals. This later progressed to observing her interactions with her boyfriend, fiancé, and eventually her husband.
2. Spending Consistent Time Around Typical Young Adults
By doing this, I learned to take note of how many young adults behave in peer relationships and, in some ways, in romantic relationships.
3. Building a Circle of Friends and Educating Them
I have known that disabilities are a part of my life since I was little. I’ve also known in having disabilities, you can’t just suddenly decide to go out to dinner with friends one night, and not have that diagnosis anymore once you sit at the table. I knew I would need to find friends who supported me and valued me and all my challenges and were willing to be educated about them. Many times, autism was part of my life story, but in knowing me, it became part of theirs, too.
4. Asking Questions
Sometimes, after educating my friends about autism, I would ask them questions about their personal experiences with relationships. A lot of them really like getting to do this with me because they say they have not had a lot of opportunity to talk about relationships with somebody with autism and sharing their experiences with them, so they find it interesting. They often say they learn a lot about autism, too.
5. Incorporating Visuals
Sometimes, visuals such as photos can help guide a conversation about relationships. The autistic brain often processes visual images well, so being able to use photos to guide such a discussion with so much abstract language can help.
It’s important to point out that every young person will have his or her own experiences, understanding, and interest level in forming romantic relationships. Love and attachment come in many forms and any type of relationship is a choice and not an obligation. Whatever relationships your young adult with autism finds themselves in, I hope they are fulfilling, and I hope they are happy.
Nassim, A. (2023). Autism and Relationships. https://www.iidc.indiana.edu/irca/articles/autism-and-relationships.html